kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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