he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
