her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
