Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
