Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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