You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
