dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize