i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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