Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
