It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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