My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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