Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
