Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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