Well douche your snatch and let's go!
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm too high and old for this...
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
