i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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