you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
