You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
