Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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