Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
