You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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