And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Randomize
