Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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