You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
