you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
