oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
