I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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