you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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