You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
