Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
