Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
