she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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