Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
