how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize