I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize