i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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