There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
