your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
