considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
