I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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