i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Randomize
