Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
