In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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