Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize