you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
