I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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