16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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