we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
