no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize