can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Drunk is a universal language darling
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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