we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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