I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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