Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
