The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
