She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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