You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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