How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
