If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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