I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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