and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
