you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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