people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
