Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
