this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize