last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
