I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
